Really, you do.

But, we still keep on doing it. The behaviours have their grip, and their grip is strong.

Today I’m talking mostly about the eating disorder…who’s is grip is extra tight. I woke up with anxiety, and the urge to walk before group. I held off, I made a deal with myself. Get up, get dressed have a cup of tea and walk after group. I had tea, I went to group. 

Even my usual safe smoothie was unsafe. I made it, and it’s still in the fridge, I had a sip and put it in the fridge. It’s quite rediculous to be honest. How can there be fear over a smoothie? Or any food for that matter? We need food to sustain ourselves. We need it to live. I fear I have relapsed, I mean I was never recovered, but I had kinda started eating regularly. But that’s slowed. Smoothies and dinner is what’s currently happening. My walking has increased again too. I gained so much weight whilst doing the eating disorder treatment and I’m really struggling with this.

I know my behaviours around food are…unhealthy. weighing, measuring and calorie counting. These are not healthy food relationships. But I need to get that number on the scales down. I cannot look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted. I want to weigh, but I can’t. I need scales, CCU won’t let me weigh and it’s killing me.