Today I met with my dietitian for the first time since May. We stopped seeing each other because I had started to receive treatment from the eating disorder team. I decided a few weeks ago that I felt her input was needed again. The eating disorder team discharged me due to being, and a quote…too complex. (Redic I know.) This confused G because, currently whilst living at CCU I have more support around me than if I was living in the community. It makes total sense my other behaviours are going to act up and change in severity whilst I’m trying to change a major coping strategy…that’s not rocket science surely. I explained what happened with them and she said that it sounded more like a self help group than treatment and that it was all too much. Too fast. And it didn’t really sound like the true cbt-e program. I told G I felt like the ED team were just waiting for my weight to go up, and then discharge me because with my weight up there’s a buffer. 
Considering I have slipped back in my intake since discharge from the ED team, we are going to start by introducing regular eating. We are not going to add more food yet, but I am going to work on splitting what I am currently eating up, so that my body starts to get used to regular intake again and with smaller portions I won’t feel to full and bloated. I explained whilst my weight is the highest it has been in a while my behaviours are still skewed. She nodded and reminded weighted does not equal severity, weight is a symptom. I forget this, in my thinking weight is the main objective, my thinking is it is too high and it must be lower. (But even when it was lower, I still thought the same.) 
I wonder if that will ever change, if I will ever look in the mirror and be at peace with my appearance and weight. Hopefully I will, but for now I need to work on more regular intake. I’m not going to lie, that petrifies me. Like, actually strikes fear. But I have to do it. We didn’t talk about changing behaviours such as weighing foods and stuff like that, only working on regular eating and it has driven me to a cleaning frenzy. Followed by shutting out that world with my headphones typing out my woes. A really hard thing for me is admitting I have an eating disorder, my go to is…”I’m fine” even when I am not. I’m fine, even though I’m scared of food. I’m fine, even though I can only eat certain things. I’m fine, even though I purge. I’m fine, even though I have to exercise or I can’t eat. And do you know why I convince myself that I am fine…because of my weight, because the disorder tells me that I am fine. I look in the mirror and am disgusted, my head tells me that I don’t really have an eating disorder because I weigh to much. Logically I know this is rubbish, but there is no logic in this. No matter how hard I try, I will not find any logic in this. That doesn’t stop me trying though. I’m never going to find logic in the things my eating disorder makes me do…how can one find logic in bowls are better than plates, or peanut butter on a spoon is ok but on toast it isn’t. 
The reason I saw G today, was basically because I do not know where to turn, the ED team won’t help and they are the only service that’s public in this area…so what do I do? It really does reinforce the ‘I’m not sick enough’ mentality that people with eating disorders often really struggle with. I had a chat with the OT when I got back to CCU, and we decided that I will work on introducing a smoothing for breakfast, and then splitting my evening meal into two so I can have half for lunch, and half for dinner. Smoothie sounds manageable because I can make and drink it pretty quick, and not really think about it. I just need to explain to my brain that I’m not tricking it into eating more by splitting my evening meal into two, how stupid does that sound?!? Very stupid, but alas. That is the reality right now.
I’m going to use my white board to write out my meal plan, and hope that will be a visual that will help, especially if I draw stars on it when I have a meal…sounds childish, but we need to use what ever works.